Growing Up?

I am strangely optimistic.

Perhaps that should be phrased: I am optimistic, which is strange.

Things are good roommate-wise for the first time in a while. Two of the three and I have a good system going right now. Blonde Girl #1's fiance declared us "perfect for each other" today. We've already hosted our first dinner party (see below). Last Roommate arrives tonight...we hope she adapts well because we don't really want to change the direction we're headed.


I've got a fair amount of work to do this week, but unfortunately a lot of it is based on waiting for things/people to arrive. In the meantime...there are cookies to bake. What can I say? Hershey domesticates me.

Stubborn or Something Else

My 10 year high school reunion is going to be next summer. There is a Facebook group about it right now. That's right...14 months in advance. Rather surprised to start getting notifications about it...thanks Facebook for letting people add me to a group without my knowledge. That's a greeeeeaaaat choice.

I am not going.

I was not friends with most of those people 9 years ago. I hardly talk to any of them now. I wasn't part of 80% of the things they're reminiscing about. To make matters worse, their plan is to have a huge family-friendly barbecue so all the kids can meet each other. That sounds perfect for a girl struggling with all her friends getting married, having children, and leaving her in the dust, right? Ugh.

I'm being stupid about this.

But, if I won't go home for Christmas, why would I go for a reunion?

Self-Reflection and the Past

I told my friend Meg yesterday that I feel like I'm in a time warp. I started talking to an old friend again after an almost 2 year silence (we just drifted apart) and there's still familiarity there. It kind of wigs me out. And there are some other people from the past popping up too. If I ever needed a reminder that everything is cyclical...there it is. I don't think things are linear with solid stops and starts. I think everything comes back to the beginning and this is both comforting and awful. I'm rambling. It IS rather early, after all...

I'm the kind of girl that always had boys as friends. Not in an "I'm a Giant Slut" kind of way, but in an "I like Ninja Turtles and not wearing dresses" kind of way. That hasn't ended now that I'm older. I've had this feeling like a void for a while and I realized: I don't hang out with as many dudes as I'd like. Part of it is age-there are fewer dudes to hang with because a lot of the people I know are married. Part of it is occupational hazard-I'm in theatre...lots of the "dudes" are gay. (Not that that's bad. I love my gays.) It's kind of like when I went to college and there was a huge lack of other Asian people in my life. I grew up with other Asians and boys as friends and it shaped my self and now I need that to be content.

Long story short: I need some straight dudes to drink with, preferably single so as to not get into any girlfriend jealousy awkwardness.

Long story shorter: I need my drinking buddies from the last 2 summers to convene again.

And (full circle) I have to stop clinging to the past and longing for it because life always moves forward...not back to my comfort zone.

Sunshine

It's sunshiny out today. Still cold. Ah, winter.

I have opened up this page a dozen times since 1/1/11, but I haven't had anything to write about. I had a couple things I was going to rant about, a few to complain about, but when I actually put my fingers to keys, I realized I had nothing to say.

Awful feeling.

Really though, nothing much has been happening lately. I've settled into something of a routine. I call this my mid-winter break. The last couple years I've been working steady from April-Dec/Jan and that can be rough. Right after college, I went almost 2 years with just a week off. That was stupid. So now, I take breaks when I can.

A minor gripe: some of my actor friends freak out when I tell them I'm not working on a show right now AND that I'm okay with it. They don't get that it's okay to not constantly be in rehearsal/performance. And, not to say that what I do is harder than an actor, but for me-stage managing can be pretty emotionally draining and I know I have to not do it for a little while at a time. Recharge. Or else, I go into an emotional tailspin and want to crawl into a hole and die. (Houston, anyone?)

All right. Done. So that's it. I'm biding my time right now. Checking BSJ and Playbill occasionally for job postings, but the day job is pretty good for me now. Life is pretty good. Dare I say it. I like NYC.

1/1/11

If only it were also 11:11. Alas...I am so not staying awake that long.

New Year's Eve was FANTASTIC! Though, bear in mind, this is coming from a girl who's had some pretty un-fantastic NYEs in the past.
-09-did absolutely nothing by myself in Des Moines...went to bed early.
-08-fought through my last day at ADP, which was also a day of great stress and unhappiness, though that was a fantastic goodbye party. Thanks, Lerners!
-07-went to a party in DSM at the home of a friend of a friend where my friends left right after midnight and I was volunteered to be the drunk bus to some people I didn't know.

Really. Anything would be better. I could have been in Jersey even and we all know how I feel about Jersey. Ha. Really though-NYE in NYC? Not a bad idea!

I went to dinner with Joe in Koreatown. I introduced him to pho. Next time we'll try bulgogi. One step at a time. Jill and her friend AJ were in town so we met up with them at Rockefeller Center. After a brief trip to the Village to buy some wine, we traipsed up to the Heights to go to my friend/ex-cast member Jake's party. It was great. Joe knew a couple people, Jill and AJ fit right in, and I drank to my little heart's content while meeting lots of new people. We rang in the new year, sang Auld Lang Syne, and continued to celebrate.


We even stopped to see the aftermath of Times Square and to get a very important hot dog. SO glad we weren't there for the ball drop. We would have been so sardined in!


Any night you get home at 4 am smiling is a good night. I am VERY glad I got to ring in the new year with friends both old and new and much happier than I've been in a while. Here's to a brand new day. Cheers.

It's the End of the World!

Nah, just the end of December. I had a really fantastic Christmas this year and, I'm almost ashamed to say, it's because I didn't go home this year. I know, I know...give me your awww's and your pity and judgment and whatever else. Just get it out of the way. It's hard for a lot of my friends to understand that my family and I just aren't that close. For a myriad of reasons, we are not the ideal family. We don't talk on the phone, we don't know much about each other's personal lives, and it's been that way for a long time. Wah, wah, wah.

SO when it came time to figure out what I was doing for Christmas this year-the answer was really simple. My fantastic friend Steven - along with several other friends - was in Hershey for Christmas because of the Christmas contract. So I made arrangements to bus it to PA for my holiday. Mostly because I knew I'd get even MORE judgment for just staying in NYC.

We did everything that makes us happy and since he didn't want to be with his family either-we felt totally justified. We had delicious food, saw a lot of movies, talked, played games, and had general merriment. I got to spend good quality time with other friends in town and managed to miss the Snowpocalypse in NYC. Go me.

Really though-it's totally cliche, but Christmas is more of a feeling and I was totally Christmas-ified in PA. This is, however, probably the start of a trend in which I invent reasons to not go home for the holidays for many years to come. I know. I'm horrible. But at least I'm happy!

Solstice!

Shortest day of the year also happens to be rather long in the Rachel sector of life. For the last time, I was up at 5:30 am to catch the train to catch the ferry to catch the shuttle to stage manage the show. Staten Island is a lovely, far away place that I will not miss traveling to every day. I will miss my cast. Really. We were 7 people in a wacky situation and I actually believe we made the best of it. We had a show interrupted by a crazy Russian woman. We had more travel time than rehearsal and performance combined. We rehearsed at a rec center with children/teens literally walking in and out of scenes. It was actually pretty awesome and if I lived closer, I'd totally work with Sundog again.

HOWEVER now that it's done, I can focus on some other things. I've got the crazy 3 days before Christmas stuff to deal with (wrapping, mailing, shopping, swearing) and then I get to pack and head to Hershey! I have 2 days of work and a few friend dates between me and my first trip via Megabus. I'm so excited. Then, before you know it, I'll be sad and back on the bus and then back at work and then at a New Year's Eve party and then it'll be 20-fuckin'-11! Holy god. I better get ready!

Christmastime Approaches!

I just got back from an overnight in Maryland. I'm running performances of "A Christmas Carol" with the Sundog Theatre. It's an interesting thing. When I did FoodPlay, everything was very specifically laid out. I had very little set up and there weren't many outside factors to worry about. If we had a table and a chair and a power outlet, we were good to go. Not so with this show. I have wireless mics and a sound board I bring, but I need to use the venue's system and I have to try to put together some semblance of lights. That's new. I've got a pretty good group of people though. I think I might even stay friends with a few after this is all over next week.

It's funny how with just a small show and a simple day job with steady hours, I'm crazy busy and feel way behind. I guess that means my life is going well and I'm in a good place, right? Let's try to stay on the positive, for once. And...go!

I'm going to spend Christmas with friends in Hershey, PA. It's my first year not going to Iowa for Christmas. It's a tough thing...I don't want to go there, but it seems so taboo to not go home for the holidays. I keep getting pity and I don't want that. I made a choice. It is the right choice for me. I'm going to spend more time with people who will make me happier and I will only have spent $55 on bus tickets versus $400+ on airfare.

10 days til Christmas folks...are you ready?

Thanks and Such

So I've been at my day job only 26 days so far and I'm already moved to a new department. It's neat. I'm in a call center taking orders and customer service calls. It's much more suited to me so I like it. Also-no uniform. That's a plus.

I ordered the most awesome present for SMB today. I doubt he still checks this, but just in case, no spoilers here. Suffice to say it really does feel good to get someone something you KNOW will make them smile. That's right: I was just sentimental. Almost. I really do have emotions sometimes. Even though I fight it.

I was waiting for the train today and looked up and there was Emmeline. I like how the big city can also be a small city. I like randomly running into friends on the street (or in the station) and I like that people visit all the time. I also like that people move here all the time.

I still don't know if I want to stay though. I am really having a hard time accepting this as any kind of permanence. If I let myself think about it for too long, I can feel my heart rate accelerate and my breathing gets a little shallower. Then I have to plot out my escape plan and distract myself before real panic sets in.

Lately EVERYONE keeps asking if I'm dating anyone. Is that just something that happens when you're in your (gulp) mid-twenties? You should be coupled up by now? I guess. Well, I'm not. I don't even know how to do that anymore. My life has been dictated by contracts and schedules for so long, real life seems strange and unattainable. Dating? Pshaw. Guess I could work on that.

I had an awesome Thanksgiving, by the way. I spent the afternoon/evening/night with a few college friends and their family and close friends. 9 of us altogether. The one kid there who didn't have a Viterbo connection kept double checking: "You're ALL from the same place? You ALL know each other?" Anyway-it was great. Nolan made the most amazing food, Brit (and her cousin) coordinated a wonderful gathering, and we played one of the best games of Celebrity ever. Oh-and we had cherpumple. That's a cherry pie in a chocolate cake, a pumpkin pie in a spice cake, and an apple pie in a yellow cake-layered together in something sinful and strange.

(I promise: someday I will try to blog about one subject at a time. I mean...I promise I'll try.)

To Unfriend...or Not?

Why is it such a big deal to unfriend someone on Facebook? I won't even pretend like it isn't...because it is. I went through a mega friend purge last year and deleted almost 100 people and when I told my real-life friends, they were shocked. How could I?

I had specific criteria. A person only got deleted if a) I hadn't seen them in over 10 years and we never communicated past the friend request moment, b) we weren't friends in real life, nor would we ever speak again (or ever) in real life, or c) they just flat out irritated me. (<3 lol :) ;) etc. are not necessary in EVERY post.) If someone met said criteria-they were gone. What's the big deal? Not one of those people has re-requested me...they probably don't even realize we aren't friends any longer.

It makes sense to me. But what if someone doesn't meet this criteria and you still want to unfriend them? What if every time they pop up on your news feed, you feel a surge of rage...or pain? I'm talking ex-friends. Ex-boyfriends. Ex-people. Why bother holding on?

Maybe you drifted apart and you're too far away now to talk and it sucks and every time you see her posts, it just reminds you that you're not as close as you were and there's no getting that back. Or you see her squinty little eyes in her stupid drunk pictures and you want to punch her stupid face because she ISN'T lost at sea right now. Or every time you see his or his girlfriend's (because you're dumb and you're friends with her too) posts or pictures, it just hurts that you can't talk anymore because platonic friends don't exist.

Why is it such a big deal? Why is it so hard just to click that little X and confirm the deletion of friendship? If it doesn't exist in the real world, why hold on to it in the internet world?

Because humans are stupid and have feelings. Dammit...I'm human.