30 Days of Thankful 2011 edition

Last month (via my Facebook statuses) I did the 30 days of thankful thing where each day you say one thing you're thankful for.

Rachel's 30 Days of Thankful:

Nov 1: Thankful for having a job to be stressed about.
Nov 2: Thankful for leftover Halloween candy - the breakfast, lunch, and dinner of champions.
Nov 3: Thankful for Amy Davis for her inspiring yet "ha! glad it's not me!" advice.
Nov 4: Thankful for a very cozy bed.
Nov 5: Thankful for an extra hour of sleep tonight!
Nov 6: Thankful for the number of performances allowed under NYC Showcase code.
Nov 7: Thankful for her bed.
Nov 8: Thankful for laughter and long running inside jokes with good friends.
Nov 9: Thankful for the amazing weather today. Also for Baskin Robbins.
Nov 10: Thankful for Emergen-C.
Nov 11: Thankful for veterans. And future veterans.
Nov 12: Thankful that Kristen Evensen introduced her to Food Should Taste Good multi-grain chips.
Nov 13: Thankful for AraBella, scotch, and new skirts.
Nov 14: Thankful for having time alone to wander the city.
Nov 15: Thankful for Jack Daniels and that is all.
Nov 16: Thankful for April Leonhard and post show shots. Also her hard working cast and crew.
Nov 17: Thankful for 3 am cabs and Jack Daniels (again) on the rocks or straight up.
Nov 18: Thankful for Swedish Fish.
Nov 19: Thankful for Sarah Corey and this cupcake. Both are divine.
Nov 20: Thankful her show had a great closing performance.
Nov 21: Thankful for clever friends in so many different cities and Facebook for keeping them laughing at the same things.
Nov 22: Thankful for knitting.
Nov 23: Thankful she didn't have to set an alarm this morning.
Nov 24: Thankful for Nolan, Brit, Raisa, and Daniel for the food prep, amazing all day feast, and wine.
Nov 25: Thankful for 11 hours of hanging out with Kira and reflecting on other 20-ish year friendships.
Nov 26: Thankful to be sitting on this balcony drinking Lager with Paul Bratcher and Kevin Gift...wait. KG is drinking Miller Lite. Less thankful for that.
Nov 27: Thankful for her ability to instantly sleep on buses.
Nov 28: Thankful for Trader Joes.
Nov 29: Thankful to have found the cake baked in a pumpkin link.
Nov 30: Thankful for the highs and lows of the month, Racheliffic shenanigans, Maoz dates with Andy, and the Muppets.

Stubborn or Something Else

My 10 year high school reunion is going to be next summer. There is a Facebook group about it right now. That's right...14 months in advance. Rather surprised to start getting notifications about it...thanks Facebook for letting people add me to a group without my knowledge. That's a greeeeeaaaat choice.

I am not going.

I was not friends with most of those people 9 years ago. I hardly talk to any of them now. I wasn't part of 80% of the things they're reminiscing about. To make matters worse, their plan is to have a huge family-friendly barbecue so all the kids can meet each other. That sounds perfect for a girl struggling with all her friends getting married, having children, and leaving her in the dust, right? Ugh.

I'm being stupid about this.

But, if I won't go home for Christmas, why would I go for a reunion?

Self-Reflection and the Past

I told my friend Meg yesterday that I feel like I'm in a time warp. I started talking to an old friend again after an almost 2 year silence (we just drifted apart) and there's still familiarity there. It kind of wigs me out. And there are some other people from the past popping up too. If I ever needed a reminder that everything is cyclical...there it is. I don't think things are linear with solid stops and starts. I think everything comes back to the beginning and this is both comforting and awful. I'm rambling. It IS rather early, after all...

I'm the kind of girl that always had boys as friends. Not in an "I'm a Giant Slut" kind of way, but in an "I like Ninja Turtles and not wearing dresses" kind of way. That hasn't ended now that I'm older. I've had this feeling like a void for a while and I realized: I don't hang out with as many dudes as I'd like. Part of it is age-there are fewer dudes to hang with because a lot of the people I know are married. Part of it is occupational hazard-I'm in theatre...lots of the "dudes" are gay. (Not that that's bad. I love my gays.) It's kind of like when I went to college and there was a huge lack of other Asian people in my life. I grew up with other Asians and boys as friends and it shaped my self and now I need that to be content.

Long story short: I need some straight dudes to drink with, preferably single so as to not get into any girlfriend jealousy awkwardness.

Long story shorter: I need my drinking buddies from the last 2 summers to convene again.

And (full circle) I have to stop clinging to the past and longing for it because life always moves forward...not back to my comfort zone.

Sunshine

It's sunshiny out today. Still cold. Ah, winter.

I have opened up this page a dozen times since 1/1/11, but I haven't had anything to write about. I had a couple things I was going to rant about, a few to complain about, but when I actually put my fingers to keys, I realized I had nothing to say.

Awful feeling.

Really though, nothing much has been happening lately. I've settled into something of a routine. I call this my mid-winter break. The last couple years I've been working steady from April-Dec/Jan and that can be rough. Right after college, I went almost 2 years with just a week off. That was stupid. So now, I take breaks when I can.

A minor gripe: some of my actor friends freak out when I tell them I'm not working on a show right now AND that I'm okay with it. They don't get that it's okay to not constantly be in rehearsal/performance. And, not to say that what I do is harder than an actor, but for me-stage managing can be pretty emotionally draining and I know I have to not do it for a little while at a time. Recharge. Or else, I go into an emotional tailspin and want to crawl into a hole and die. (Houston, anyone?)

All right. Done. So that's it. I'm biding my time right now. Checking BSJ and Playbill occasionally for job postings, but the day job is pretty good for me now. Life is pretty good. Dare I say it. I like NYC.

It's the End of the World!

Nah, just the end of December. I had a really fantastic Christmas this year and, I'm almost ashamed to say, it's because I didn't go home this year. I know, I know...give me your awww's and your pity and judgment and whatever else. Just get it out of the way. It's hard for a lot of my friends to understand that my family and I just aren't that close. For a myriad of reasons, we are not the ideal family. We don't talk on the phone, we don't know much about each other's personal lives, and it's been that way for a long time. Wah, wah, wah.

SO when it came time to figure out what I was doing for Christmas this year-the answer was really simple. My fantastic friend Steven - along with several other friends - was in Hershey for Christmas because of the Christmas contract. So I made arrangements to bus it to PA for my holiday. Mostly because I knew I'd get even MORE judgment for just staying in NYC.

We did everything that makes us happy and since he didn't want to be with his family either-we felt totally justified. We had delicious food, saw a lot of movies, talked, played games, and had general merriment. I got to spend good quality time with other friends in town and managed to miss the Snowpocalypse in NYC. Go me.

Really though-it's totally cliche, but Christmas is more of a feeling and I was totally Christmas-ified in PA. This is, however, probably the start of a trend in which I invent reasons to not go home for the holidays for many years to come. I know. I'm horrible. But at least I'm happy!

To Unfriend...or Not?

Why is it such a big deal to unfriend someone on Facebook? I won't even pretend like it isn't...because it is. I went through a mega friend purge last year and deleted almost 100 people and when I told my real-life friends, they were shocked. How could I?

I had specific criteria. A person only got deleted if a) I hadn't seen them in over 10 years and we never communicated past the friend request moment, b) we weren't friends in real life, nor would we ever speak again (or ever) in real life, or c) they just flat out irritated me. (<3 lol :) ;) etc. are not necessary in EVERY post.) If someone met said criteria-they were gone. What's the big deal? Not one of those people has re-requested me...they probably don't even realize we aren't friends any longer.

It makes sense to me. But what if someone doesn't meet this criteria and you still want to unfriend them? What if every time they pop up on your news feed, you feel a surge of rage...or pain? I'm talking ex-friends. Ex-boyfriends. Ex-people. Why bother holding on?

Maybe you drifted apart and you're too far away now to talk and it sucks and every time you see her posts, it just reminds you that you're not as close as you were and there's no getting that back. Or you see her squinty little eyes in her stupid drunk pictures and you want to punch her stupid face because she ISN'T lost at sea right now. Or every time you see his or his girlfriend's (because you're dumb and you're friends with her too) posts or pictures, it just hurts that you can't talk anymore because platonic friends don't exist.

Why is it such a big deal? Why is it so hard just to click that little X and confirm the deletion of friendship? If it doesn't exist in the real world, why hold on to it in the internet world?

Because humans are stupid and have feelings. Dammit...I'm human.

Another Self-Deprecating Title

Wah, wah, wah. I suck at blogging. Shut up and quit whining about it, why don't you?

I actually have some future topics I'd like to update the world on, but tonight I'm just too lazy. So why am I blogging at all? Because I spent the last hour reading other blogs while I wait for Aerosmith to get off work and wander over. I have a horribly impulse-buy like personality: if I see it, I want it. If you have pizza, I want pizza. If I'm reading a blog, I suddenly want to write one.

Anyway...only about a month left of this burst of employment. For the first time in my life I don't have a plan and I am not frantically scrambling to find one. I don't have a job lined up after this. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know ANYTHING. I think when it's time to leave, I'm just going to drive west and see what happens.

I think I'm actually kind of sick of the nomad thing right now. I want an apartment. I want a couch. I want all my stuff to NOT fit in my car. I want to hang up my Opus shadow box. I do not want to settle down permanently. I do not want children. I do not want a husband (or a wife for that matter). I do not want pets. I just want some stability.

Speaking of children...I reiterated my vow to never have children to the girls in my cast today and Marisa was astounded. She said she just can't understand someone who doesn't want to have kids. Kelsey thinks I'm going to change my mind. Daily, I am surrounded by girls who have sisters and stable parents and want families of their own. How am I ever supposed to connect with them when we have so little in common at the fundamental, core value level?

Take Your Own Advice

I keep telling my cast and crew that it's all about perception. It doesn't really matter what your intentions were, but how they were interpreted does. For instance: if you're in the audience talking to your friend the entire time you watch the show, it says to the performers that you don't care about them and the work they're doing. Even if you were just raving to your friend about the greatness of the 3rd dancer on the left.

I should take my own advice. Sometimes I get caught up in things and I forget to take a step back and look at the big picture. Sometimes I over analyze and over justify things when I should just take them as they are and shut up. Sometimes I'm just a pretentious so and so.

I hate apologizing because it means I did something wrong.

It's All in the Timing

Don't you hate it when your timing is off? You walk into a room at the exact WRONG moment. You send an email and realize too late that the recipient is completely swamped and you just added to the pile. You get a death row pardon two minutes too late. Oh wait...that's ironic...

Pause for laughter.

Silence.

Damn.

Ahem.

I've just been thinking about timing a lot in general. I applied to some jobs for after September and I can't help but hope my timing was good and that someone sees my delightful little resume and thinks my cover letter is charming and wants to talk to me. Or it's lost in an inbox of fury and will never see the light of day.

I have lots of mid-day downtime lately so I've been texting people things as they come to me and THEN I remember they have tech/finals/load in/etc. and I seem callous and rude and uncaring. In my personal life, I find myself being inconsistent and it irritates me. It's much easier when I work so much that I have no personal life and I don't have to worry about it.

It's tough when you NEED information from someone who is insane busy and can't respond to you. It's tough when you just want to make someone aware of something, but they are insane busy and you KNOW you're making it worse.

I've also been on a "what might have been" train of thought lately. Cause-and-effect style. Like...WHAT IF I had stayed in Houston? A whole mess of events wouldn't have happened. But what WOULD have happened? What if I hadn't said what I said or had done what I didn't?

I should not have idle time to think so much. Leads to dreadful results.